Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
a search helicopter?!
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
