he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
She needs sedatives and a leash
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
