Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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