the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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