I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
