Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Randomize
