for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
