Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
