His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
