Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
