I hope mine doesn't look like that
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
