I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
