I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
