Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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