Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
