I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
