My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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