Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
