I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
