Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
