I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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