I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
