omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
