When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
