I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
