Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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