i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
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