I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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