There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
