I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
