She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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