Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
