i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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