i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
