My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
