I wish I only lived at night.
Welp...herpes.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
