Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
