ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
