so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
