So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
