i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
