I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
