You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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