I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
