Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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