I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
