I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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