I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
