apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
