This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
