if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
