Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
