where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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