the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
