apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
