we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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