I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
