She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
