The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
